Mother’s Day

Hold fast; Mother’s Day is coming.

Mother’s Day – a sea of yellow

Every high street, every store, every advert and bar of chocolate is awash in a sea of yellow; our entire world is rebranded to portray the simple gentleness and love of a mother.   Schoolrooms are filled with glue, glitter and ribbon for making tributes, and talk naturally turns to family.

CHT makes her card, but there is a troubled reluctance in her eyes; sure signs of the first wave of inner turmoil as she fights to decide just who she should be making it for.

As she gives up and just makes it anyway, a second wave tumbles her into a seething mass of rapids as she tries but fails to share in the easy, familial chatter of her peers.

The current has her now, and there is no escaping the third wave as it swamps her in a tempest of boiling resentment against a life story that does not fit their mould nor their expectation.  The fourth then sweeps over her; like a tidal wave crashing through every defense releasing the power of her anguish out into the open for all to see.

Then the fifth and final wave – like a rip tide – claims her; drawing her back into thick primal fathoms that shut out all else but the crushing pain, and she is lost in the deeps once again.

These days plunge her headlong into unmapped depths of pain and murky uncertainty; force her back into those dreaded layers of endless salted questions that make her raw wounds sting and bleed once again.   Drowning, not waving, her struggles go unnoticed.  Worse still, the guidance and empathy she needs to help her through is missing; replaced with the censure of a teacher.

There is a heaviness in my heart as she comes home and retells the story of yet another day cast on the rocks of misunderstanding.  The endless inner wrestling on these troubled oceans is hard enough without this battery that threatens and erodes our progress from the outside.

CHT’s life is what it is, and we cannot and should not protect her from the reality of its story.  We can only work steadily on together, help her find some shelter from the onslaught long enough to make sense of it, to find some peace within it, and seek the patches of calm that show her it is possible to sometimes simply set it aside.

So for now we are bobbing in the shallows, waiting with lifelines; ready for the next typhoon to lash down as she bravely steps out through the yellow shoals of her mother’s day.

For further reading: see our Mother’s day Toolkit.

8 thoughts on “Mother’s Day

  1. aww Mumdrah and CHT it would be easy to say hang in there and that I hope Mother’s day goes well and to say that this is such a great post full of emotions and well written – all that – and a very real CHT in the middle of it – I feel for her – and you – fantastic she has you to ride that next wave with her, armed and ready with lifelines of support. The lull, will give you chance to catch your breath and strengthen you. You are ready! xx

    • We would manage the day ‘fine’ if it was just left up to us! It isn’t one day any more, it goes on and on. It is a good opportunity to head into some important issues head on. Thanks for the vote of confidence NPM – back atcha! Mx

  2. I can totally see where you are coming from on this one , I am going to blog on my experience of a day that caused no end of grief in our home .
    It is very hard for children who have been adopted and the whole school thing just makes it worse. The only thing I can say is that now the girls are older and look differently on me , it’s improved masses and is no longer that fear of all the disruption that was guaranteed to arise .
    Good luck it’s only one day .

    • We seem to navigate it pretty fine; its an opportunity to reflect. We find it easier if we plan it, talk through what is likely to happen, remind each other that other people won’t understand will forget; that helps immensely. As with lots of events, the day itself is rarely as bad as the build up, so managing that lead in is key.
      And yes, school will undoubtedly drive a speedboat through everything yet again before the day itself is past
      Thanks for your comment and insights. Look forward to your blog piece Fiona. Mx

  3. Your writing is so emotional…I could feel myself there drowning with CHT as I read it.
    I love your idea of a toolkit. Our theraplay/DDP therapist recommends talking about elephants, you know those approaching events that we know are coming, but so many just accept without acknowledging the difficulties that might arise.
    Here, we talk about those elephants in the room, we talk about how we’re going to deal with them, how we might feel, how we can safely show our feelings and what we’ll do if things change.

    Thanks for sharing this post with the Weekly Adoption Shout Out x

  4. Your posts are written from the heart and you capture CHT emotional struggle so well. I think I will take a leaf out of your Mothers day toolkit this year and talk to the boys about what they would like to do about the day.

    Thanks for Sharing on the Weekly Adoption Shout Out

  5. Like Vicki said, the way you describe things makes it so easy to get caught up and really feel what you are trying to portray. It’s amazing. Is Mother’s Day celebrated there soon? Here it isn’t until May.
    I can relate, I think, to so much weight put on this day. My mother passed away when I was 20 and struggled so much each year when the day came around. Then, I became a step mom to a boy who still very much loves his mom, and I never got a macaroni card or glittery heart. Then, after struggling to define what being a mom is, I now have my boy. I’m rambling..I’ll get to a point soon. I struggle with it, each and every year. And I can’t even begin to fathom what a blubbering, crying, emotional wreck I will be this year when it rolls around for the first time and I get to hold the macaroni glittery heart card in my hand…and I’m a rational, well raised with no trauma. I can not even imagine how some of our kids deal with this and makes them feel inside. It must be so difficult and confusing. Thank you for sharing your and CHT’s experiences so eloquently and thoughtfully.

  6. Like you we talked in advance, my boys are fostered so mum is still around and sees them every 2 weeks. I always help them to pick a present, this years was a picture collage which we carefully picked the pictures for I got the best present though…. Toast with mum cut out of the middle, couldn’t be buttered but I loved it, it came with the loveliest lookwarm tea.

    If they win an award I always copy it so mum and I can both keep one its a difficult balance but its working so far

    Thanks for sharing x

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